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Wise Words
When you are describing,

A shape, or sound, or tint;

Don't state the matter plainly,

But put it in a hint;

And learn to look at all things,

With a sort of mental squint.

~Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll)
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 Procelain Doll

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aurora
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Join date : 2010-06-18
Posts : 13

PostSubject: Procelain Doll   Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:24 pm


This is a piece that goes along with my actual book. Please comment.

Porcelain Doll
Chestnut ringlets fall into soft pale skin as blue-gray eyes stare transfixed off into the distance. Rosy cheeks and icy red lips make her the envy of all. Dressed in a white Victorian summer dress and big elaborate hat, she twirls around happily as they take another picture. Snap! Perfect! She’s absolutely perfect; a cover girl for sure. Snap! Paris, Milan, London, they’ll all be copying her look within months.
Let’s take a break so they can change her once more, just like the doll that sits above her vanity. They leave her alone for a few minutes to run off for some trivial item, telling her they’ll be right back.
The minute the door closes she rips off the heat, the gloves, the pearls, and the wig, revealing her true self. Black mascara flows down her cheeks as she locks the door. If only they could see how they tear her and break her down. Then again, they wouldn’t care, they never do. All that matters is fortune and fame, fame and fortune to these heartless types. She never wanted any of this! All she wanted was to be normal, but she was born to important for that they say. Too abnormal, too royal.
Wiping her tears away, she takes a deep breath for she knows they’ll be back sooner than she’d hope. She places the wig back on to cover her black hair, to be perfect once more like her old toy. Lifting herself up, her eyes meet the doll, her hand trembling as she picks it up.
It’s exactly like her in everyway, right down to the precise details of the beads on her dress. Finally she realizes what they have done, molding her to a doll so fragile that she might as well be made of porcelain. She places the once friend now turned enemy down. Cautiously backing away, she goes to the clothing rack in the corner, praying that she won’t find what she’s looking for.

As she rummages through the frilly dresses, the cursed ruffs and strangling lace, her eyes lay upon a horrible sight. Behind her rack is a tiny one, one that she’s never noticed before, with miniaturize exact copies of her outfits.
Rage suddenly over taking her, she pushes down her rack and takes off her wig for the last time. They won’t torture her anymore. She tears down her pictures from the wall and throws them into the flames of a candle that burns near the door. Going through in a fury, she rips the dresses and chunks the high heels out the closed windows, shattering it like they shattered her.
Her room looking like it was hit by a hurricane; she knows she doesn’t have much time left to make her escape. So she runs to the broken window, but stops before she even gets a foot out. There’s one last thing to do.
Quickly, she goes back to her vanity, taking the doll up in her hands. She turns it over, her name Maeve is craved in the back of the neck. Quaking with anger, she throws the porcelain doll to the ground, smashing into a million pieces.
They kick down the door to find what looks like a crime scene. The only sign of the princess, the broken face on the floor staring up at them with a tear rolling down it’s soft cheek.
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Naomi
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Join date : 2010-06-19
Location : Konoha
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PostSubject: Re: Procelain Doll   Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:27 pm

Powerful emotions
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aurora
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Join date : 2010-06-18
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PostSubject: Re: Procelain Doll   Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:30 pm

Thank you! Very Happy

Is there anything that you think I should change?
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Kris
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Join date : 2010-06-17
Location : Earth
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PostSubject: Re: Procelain Doll   Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:43 am

To give my honest, honest, honest reply, if you want this to be a stand alone, and even if it is to go along with your book, you'll have to assume that your reader knows nothing about the book. All I know from reading this is that the main character is a beautiful girl, somewhat naive and lost in life with hatred built up inside her for her work. I do not know if she is a model or a real princess.

Also, the door is torn down is see a broken doll with a tear rolling down its soft cheek. How can a porcelain doll (I'm assuming it's a porcelain doll) have a soft cheek. I would also have loved to see more details. Don't be afraid to draw this out. Take your time detailing Maeve's actions and telling a little more back story. This is a one act scene making it a short short story. You have 1500 words to tell it. Use it up!

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Kris king
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Stainqueen
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Join date : 2010-06-19
Location : Planet Earth
Posts : 255

PostSubject: Re: Procelain Doll   Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:41 pm

Excellent imagery!

~·.~*~.·~*~·.~*~.·~*~·.*.·~*~·.~.·~*~·.*.·~*~·.~*~.·~

CRB Original Writings
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aurora
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Join date : 2010-06-18
Posts : 13

PostSubject: Re: Procelain Doll   Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:46 pm

Thanks Kris! Very Happy

Yeah, I know that it needs more but I wrote it for a class and had a 600 word limit so....But I'm thinking of adding to it. Or making it a shorter entree in Maeve's journal.

And actually, to the princess question. She's both, in a way, a princess and a model. I know that sounds weird but she's suppose to be like a pop culture ruler.
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Kris
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PostSubject: Re: Procelain Doll   Mon Jun 28, 2010 8:25 pm

aurora wrote:
Thanks Kris! Very Happy

Yeah, I know that it needs more but I wrote it for a class and had a 600 word limit so....But I'm thinking of adding to it. Or making it a shorter entree in Maeve's journal.

And actually, to the princess question. She's both, in a way, a princess and a model. I know that sounds weird but she's suppose to be like a pop culture ruler.
Okay. I'd love to read the whole work!

It makes sense, like how Kim Yu Na is called Queen Yuna because she's dominated the ice skating field for a few years now or how Michael Jackson is the King of Pop and Elvis Presley is the King of Rock.

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Kris king
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